22

It wont be long before I turn 22... in this time, i was supposed to have completed my studies, gotten a decent job, and carried on with my life as an independent individual... But instead, I'm a guy still living with his parents and counting on their money to support my lifestyle... how ridiculous...

how did it turn out this way? why is this happening? I only have myself to blame...

my mother... she cares about me a lot and wants to see me succeed in life.. what did i repay her with? disappointment, after disappointment, after disappointment... a visit to the local lock-up and more disappointment... what the hell am I? I am worst than a beast... I'm not even a son... I will be the cause of her death... god only knows how much I love and cherish her... but I will never show and tell... everyday waking up and thinking this might be the last day of me ever seeing her again and the chance of making her smile fades away ever so slowly... why do I still not change? every time I hurt her is more agonizing than pain itself... i just want to hug her and say that I'm sorry.. sorry for being such a brat... sorry for being the son she never wished she had.... sorry for never carrying out my responsibilities as a son... sorry for making her hurt even when i never wished it... sorry for ever disappointing you...

the reason why i wanted to run away from u all those years and depend on my father was because i saw how much of a burden i was... i would have hurt you much worse if i had stayed... it was never because i loved them more.. no.. it was because i loved you more.... i never wanted you to shed another tear... but along the lines, i seem to hurt you even more... i seem to break your heart every time i come close to you... i wish my life would have been different... i wish it would have ended....

father.. you of all people i would love to hate.. but it's impossible... please change, please change, please change... if you are unwilling... then we are done.